out of the game. took a bread out of my freezer unfroze it with a hot pan on fire and stuck it in my mouth after spreading an amazing amount of jam all over its body. spilled a large amount of brown sugar in my coffee and suffering the consequences as im gaining a sweet tooth. sent several messages stating that its 12PM. . im still in bed and i´m an octopus.

this is one of those tests. the kind of tests that say nothing but are done to form a weird conclusion because things can feel boring and we need excitement or will want to kill ourselves, or plainly, be ok with dying when we are crossing the street with a box of Chinese food in our hands. i like thinking about you because it makes me think about nothing. it makes time stop and im not being emotional. sometimes i feel like i scare men. i never scare my friends though. i never scare people who really know me because they just think ¨ok, thats carla¨ sometimes i stay awake and chat with old friends from sanfrancisco. we talk about the things that have changed and the things that will never. what im saying is simple. dont be afraid of me because i want nothing but distant, infrequent, genuine attention. the second that you are un willing to give me exactly this simply write me a message saying ¨NO MORE¨ in capitals. ok. ok? yes x

but you know what?

dont have a boyfriend because im too selfish to think about anyone but me and also because i like cooking rice alone and refreshing my facebook and receiving text messages from possible counter parts. like going on dates because people act weird but sometimes are comfortable and its all this one big ego boost. or not, or the opposite. had a dream that my dad was a drug addict. wrote him about it. wrote him about it in detail. thinking of that time when i complained to you about how jason was too short and you told me to tell him in a compelling tone that he should ¨work on his posture¨ miss the way we use to twirl those flags on the foot ball field. miss the way we werent aloud to be around each other for ¨the rest of our colorguard career¨ miss how our color guard career didnt last long. miss how we both moved away to different schools and hated most people around us as they felt boring. miss mac n cheese and lotion on my feet and rubbing my feet on your head and pretending i was 19.

amen to shit

Barcelona week three. my feet hurt because i keep wearing my gray doc martins to work and they are not as comfortable as a regular pair of Adidas. yesterday i went to a Martin Parr exhibition titled souvenirs. here are some photos.

then after i went to a terrace to have a drink with some new friends and some girls. then after it started to rain, i went home and people left on their motos. during the beers i felt tired. not sure if it was because i felt lazy to listen to uninteresting spanish things or because i was tired in a serious way. after being home for a couple of minutes i met another similarly close to me depressed friend and had beers with him in a semi fancy place and ate french fries. while eating the chips i noticed that i hogged mostly all of the sauce and felt selfishly bad about this. we talked about a lot of weird things and ended the conversation closely in front of my house with a lesson on the one hundred breaths of meditation. so far i feel the good and comfortable.

Things that I´ve learned from moving to Barcelona:

when jumping dramatically from one city to the other note that you will spend a lot of money on things like laundry detergent and spend 45percent of your time thinking about why you packed your suitcase at 5 in the morning one hour before your plane takes off. You will notice that your new job is not as good as the old one because you are working 40 hours a week and making 6 euros an hour and you cant sit down because you are folding a shirt for the 579th time, in a row. you notice a lot of fashion weird things that you like. you gain a new perspective on women as consumers and make small bar graphs in your head comparing ages and items chosen and mother with child vs children alone and teenagers trying to steal percentage comparisons. dont make a lot of effort to get to know your work mates because they are nice and did it all for you and notice that you are cool and really expand on including you in conversations because they're curious about why your eyes are a little slanty. you think about why you spend all your slave money on the 40percent employee discount. you constantly feel nostalgic and think about your sister and how your aunts would take you to union square in san francisco with a budget of 100 dollars. this is exciting. i have trouble expanding my energy. i don´t drink so much. i spend on food. my legs are pulsing. cant think about men or bad habits. miss Madrid because its home. like getting lost here. reminds me of reincarnation and one of those salt rock lamps. reminds me of being on a boat and jumping off and seeing a jelly fish. my co workers are pushing me to read ¨the 50 shades of grey¨ woah.

in short

my belly hurts. no one replied to any of my text messages so i treated myself to KFC and got 7 pieces of spicy wings with a side of mash potatoes.

then i stuffed my nose.

met xabi at 14:45 infront of  principe pios super mall. we are 15 minutes late yet need to have a caña before transforming into real ¨guests¨
talked about what happens when people are emotionally paralyzed. talked about who we love out of natural circumstances. fifteen minutes later we are crossing a bridge and he is taking a photo of me under the teleferico. later i send it to a lover who i think is loosing attraction for me.

i scream HI as i walk in the door before apologizing for landing tardy. 

i think about santos and how he told me that i have an attention problem as i dont have the capacity to sit through a movie.  how i can hardly pay attention to one thing. i start arriving to a regular paranoia and drink a glass of white wine. ate some cheese paired with bread and a grape. there are some real tomatoes. there is mariam´s pregnant sister taking a nap. there is me wanting a smoke. her house made me feel ten levels higher. i start painting my toe nails with black glitter. we sit on a hammock and take pictures together with my iphone. i post nothing online. i play a record called Break Machine. her sister eats some pasta and i talk to her about slavery vs vegetarianism. i say something like ¨vegetarians are so selfless that they probably would´ve never owned slaves.¨ i feel myself interesting which excites me.  ten seconds later i change the subject  and ask her if she feels her baby eating. i notice my eyes growing big with excitement and start whispering.


when we leave i get tense as i feel forced to make a good plan. i call diego and he tells me theres an after party in his place and to run over because i am invited. i enter his house and see his usual friends in a heavy state. theres someone fat whom ive never seen before. i give diego a poster that i made in reference to drug abuse. we walk around the house and imagine what it would give to each wall.

i feel it important to make more plans so call a friend and come over for a movie and make another plan after that just in case i get bored of something titled ¨brazil¨

within one hour i am a sleep and my phone is vibrating. i imagine myself getting up and leaving but seeing him next to me makes me feel too comfortable.

it´s morning and ive slept 8 hours.

LOSING MY VIRGINITY

to america

with a double cheeseburger.

thought about how i should be around the right kind of people
thought about basketball bringing me in
thought about adopting myself.

yesterday was foggy like nothing even happened.

met you in a square. seemed like your eyes were sagging.

poem of the day